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Sitting in the Parlor  2/12/2012

Dark chocolate and single malt...

I'm not sure what to write about.  The weekend has been so serene, and I've felt so reverent to music and art, I don't wish to muck it up.  I do know that I have really been enjoying the Friday's at the Noggin Room especially when Mike Ridley is playing.  He sat with John and I for a while as we reminisced about our days around Detroit and Wayne State.  Seems so long ago, yet like yesterday.  At home now, I sit with a single malt I've had around for over a month - Ardbeg.  I bought it to finish the last novel, and it will be around for another month or so I'm sure.  The potent oil, tar, seaweed and peat only allows for a finger's pour at a time.  Any more than that and I'm afraid words would be running off the pages.  Later today, we'll attend the Brother Dan fundraiser at the fairgrounds.  Music all day with pizza is a fair trade for ten bucks.  Here's hoping life is peaceful.  Here's hoping life continues.

In the Studio  2/4/2012

Working on poetry, both written and with watercolor...

There is a new poem For the Common Man under the page, Making End's Meet.  The inspiration came from a trip from Harbor to Mackinaw and seeing all the ways people are trying to make money.  One common practice is putting out firewood.  The thought behind the visual, I believe, is indicative of what is real.  On another note, we watched a movie that displays and discusses what we often talk about - the relationship between us, our surrounding Universe and the Nature on this earth.  The flow of energy around us, how we relate to others in our communities, and why it is so important to not discount our natural rhythms is demystified by the video portrayal of life's beginnings.  Unless you are a person who believes in the religious documents of your choosing as literal, this movie would be worth the watch.  It expands the mind and puts into place many of the ethereal wonders that have been toyed with in various poems, novels, essays, paintings, etc.   The Journey of the Universe exclaims itself as "an epic story of cosmic, earth, and human transformation."  But beware, it's out-there.  If you're in the wrong frame of mind, or one of those people always disbelieving, you may find it hard to handle.  If you're a person that is always seeking answers and wondering why so many things are as they are, this documentary will help put things in order.  When you find your God and find your natural rhythms, life does get easy.  The difficulty is living within a society that doesn't get it. 

On the River  1/21/2012

Kayaking and snowshoeing...

You wake up at 5:00 am thinking about 30 years worth of life.  You try to focus on the good and just can't.  The vibrations from deep within your past gyrate to the very frontal cortex, and your eyes blast open.  A dark ceiling.  That's all you see.  You feel the bed and work to remember where you are in the present; maybe even try to go back to sleep to the good thoughts.  But no.  A dark ceiling.  Get up.  Start a fire, make coffee, and get into today.  Remember good, bad, or great and awful; somehow, and for some reason, you are where you are suppose to be.  The rhythms you followed got you here.  The Universe and its energy knew where you were going.  Hopes and dreams are often vestiges of places you may have already been only now wrapped in new paper.  Finding ones way is as the world around you and the Universe around us continues to do.  Ever expanding and in constant motion why do we suspect anything to just stop?  Those that do end up, most often, in the turmoil of a static not meant to be.  Evolve into what you should be and not what others believe you have to be.  Diversity of our life and diversity of our soul is what makes sense in an evolving Nature and Universe.  Turn the dark ceiling bright.  If you can't do it alone, walk out into Nature.  It evolves around you with a diversity we can't match.  Please though, don't try to turn it into a dark ceiling.  Then we all perish. 

Petoskey  1/15/2012

All day in the studio with paint, pen and charcoal...

Winter finally arrived in the far north of the mitten bringing a bounce to everyone's step as the skiers and tourists return.  The cold turns to cozy inside, and the stews and soups cook long with aromas to fill a lifetime of memories.  For those of us lucky enough to have a roof over our head, food on the table, family and friends close by, we take note to be grateful.  Life doesn't have to be complicated to be good.  Life doesn't have to be a constant up and down emotion to be fulfilling.  Enjoy the snow outside and enjoy the warmth inside, while knowing you can wake up the next day and do it all over again.

Petoskey 1/9/2012

In the reading room with the full moon...

The second book is finished!  After hours in the studio and researching everything from diners to Capitol office rooms, the last words went down on the draft at 5:30 pm Sunday.  Now the real work begins - again.  The amazing part about writing is realizing how immersed you become as you write.  We went to Sunday dinner, and it took an hour before my mind cleared.  I was still in the characters.  I was still on the pages.  At 5:00 am this morning, I couldn't sleep because my mind was open again not preoccupied or cluttered.  The moon is full and shinning brightly over the bay.  The early coffee strong.  For three full weeks, each volunteer activity, each day at the gym, and each work effort was full and rewarding.  The enlightenment comes from all of this.  Life is finally in the present - most of the time, instead of part of the time.  The continual struggle with the past has moved on.  Finishing a project or completing week after week in a recovery lifestyle does work, and it gets easier.  I'd be lying to say parts of the past don't leak into a synapse once in a while, but how refreshing to start closing the envelope on the bill.  Why so different than the December 3rd entry?  I don't know.  I can suggest a movie that seemed so timely: Henry Poole is Here.  Watching that on Saturday morning after a great Friday night of conversation and pizza at the Noggin Room just sparked the energy.  The novel of life continues...

Petoskey 1/1/2012

In the studio...

I wrote a great sentiment Friday, poof!  The Internet goes out for a couple of seconds, and no more sentiment.  Instead of trying to re-capture the thoughts and feelings, I'll just punt.  Speaking of punting, why do I subject myself to Sunday with the Lions and the announcers on national TV?  Now, where was I?  Oh yes, the new year.  We had an Open House last night for New Year's Eve, and it was warm, relaxing, well attended, and best of all full of friends.  2011 was highlighted by so much good and so much to be grateful for, and the best topping was spending it with people who are nice.  I mean that emphatically.  So many people just aren't nice anymore. No one more than I can relate to how difficult times have become, but it comes down to how you handle those difficult times.  It doesn't take a lot of effort to be polite and pleasant.  It takes a lot of energy to be angry and nasty - even more so if you're blaming.  I would hope that in the coming year, you become mindful of how you effect others around you.  What energy do you put forward?  Whatever you put forward comes right back at you in many ways.  Be mindful of every moment.  Be heartfelt.  Be kind.  Have a wonderful 2012 and thank you for letting us be a part of your life.  Oh, and be careful when you watch the Lions.  They'll certainly test everything I just wrote about.

Petoskey 12/17/2011

In the dining room...

Okay, enough of the dark.  Getting back on track with the men's group, spending time at MANNA, helping to coach some wonderful young hockey players, and spending time with the people you love brings one back to reality.  My daughter walked for the second time at GVSU receiving her MPA.  The afterglow at the B.O.B. in Grand Rapids was exceptional.  I watched and enjoyed the family and thought about how wonderful it felt being there and having a hand in such events.  Living through abuse is painful and death defying at times, but for me to realize I CAN feel, the good, the bad, and ugly, it was worth the trip.  I guess you have to look the devil in the eye to know where to go next.  I choose this wonderful existence with our friends and families in this tiny corner of the world.  The people and places around Harbor Springs and Petoskey have been life saving.  To have a feeling again in your life realizing you are making a difference in people's lives cracks the hard shell of the past.  Now, I'm feeling different about this Christmas season.  I have no motivation to go out and buy, or to go out and find that ultimate Christmas sensation you see on TV or read about in the news.  No, I wish to spend quiet meaningful times with those same friends and family who I cherish.  The people who have found me.  The old friends who believed in me all along.  The family that never lost faith.  I'm sure I'll have darkness weaving its way through late night ruminations once in a while, but right now I feel great.

Petoskey 12/3/2011

In the studio...

It's 4 AM on a Saturday.  I've been working on the second novel all week and awoke after a humiliating evening.  There are times you wish you could shut memories off - even those you aren't sure of the reality.  The concept of living in the moment can be painful.  The moment when you sit amongst things that date back to your birth.  I find pleasure and persecution in such memories, but continue to strive to remember.  There are 7 years of vagueness that haunt me.  Things that happened to my children, things that happened to me, and things that happened in the world that come back in spurts of emotion I wish I could piece together.  Sometimes I can and other times I can't.  Growing up dissociative makes the connections difficult.  Growing up always trying to explain gets tiresome. Tonight, or should I say this morning, I contemplate death as a respite.  A release from inner pain that comes after a night of celebration and a few mis-chosen words and moments that paralyze.  People around me didn't know.  People around me don't grasp the despair.  They only watch the reactions - then gloss right over them.  I am left to ponder my future.  My life.  In the wake of such remarks and discussion, do we always wrestle?  Do we always have such reaction?  I can't project to anyone else but me, and I am in pain tonight; yet, a release.  Another re-birth of thought and enlightenment.  Is that what it takes?  Is that why Hemingway drank?  Mozart sank?  The ways our mind comes clean and vacuums away deep cob webs of connectedness to depression and angst; is it always tied to a spark?  A flame?  All I know is that writing is better than death.  At least the next word promises more.  Once the writing stops, the fear takes over. 

Petoskey 11/28/2011

A long break . . .

Let me get this straight.  We have horrible scandal at Penn State and now Syracuse.  There are pundits, fans, and non-fans alike calling for less deity behavior around college sport coaches.  So, they hire a coach at Ohio State for 7 years and 40 million dollars?  There are people out of work and the economy is in the most dire condition since the Great Depression, so they put up shopping offers and market endlessly for people to go out and by more stuff?  Stuff is not the backbone of this country.  Stuff provides money to other places that make the stuff.  Use those credit cards.  Believe those who could care less about you after the cash is gone.  I hope Urban Meyer is worth 40 million.  I hope everyone likes their stuff.  Gives me more time to relax while everyone around me goes nuts STILL trying to keep up.  So what did we give thanks for?

Petoskey 11/12/2011

After the funeral . . .

Bless you Thomas.  Rest in peace; we will miss you.

Petoskey 11/7/2011

Walking out on a limb...

The kids were here all weekend and life was bliss.  Therefore, I am stepping out on a limb while the wave is high.  Listening to the news, people in the community, and around the country I still believe people are pressed and searching.  I wish they could find each other.  I wish I had the courage to really write my spirituality and place it in print, but this will have to do.  As I continue to read historical sections of the bible and the history of the bible, I am even more convinced of its metaphorical value as a guide and oral accounting of some history of what worked and didn't work for mankind over several thousands of years.  I don't pretend to be a biblical scholar, and this is not about religion, so please be patient.  I also understand everyone has their opinions and many believe the bible to be metaphor and/or literal.  As a literal work, I believe it binds us and creates exactly the opposite effect of what those in the past have tried to teach.  The way I see it those that have come before us have tried to teach us a balance.  We are not in balance.  We are constricted and polarized especially by those who take the Word as literal.  The tighter the grip the more we break.  The human spirit is a ball of energy that knows no natural boundaries except those we create.  Some obviously to stop outright anarchy and debauchery, but taken to the ultimate whip, we kill each other anyway. Again, we find ourselves on a threshold of change; a way to view and treat each other differently.  Shouldn't we take advantage of that and embrace our diversity and differences realizing we are the Divine - but only when together?  In division we become the evil.

Petoskey 10/24/2011

Working on hibernation...

Cocooning is a fall ritual.  This weekend with Christine in Idaho, I caulked, painted, tinkered, and cleaned readying for winter.  There's a refreshing sense of accomplishment to the summer.  The fishing equipment cleaned and stored.  All the backpacking supplies put-up.  The furnace cleaned and summer clothes put away, now allows us to hunker down with beef stews, dark wines and chocolates, and maybe some quiet conversations over a good single malt.  The easel sits ready for new work, and the new novel continues.  Do we perhaps do the same cleaning and preparing for our spirit?  I suspect many continue to rush and proclaim they are making headway in the race.  As I write, the current commentator on BBC radio provocatively challenges listeners to "link out" versus getting "Linkedin."  The time we take to "link in" to ourselves during the quiet months pays dividends once the seasons open up and warm our surroundings.  Besides this website, I think I'll relish the windy mornings, snowy evenings, and being quiet. 

Petoskey 10/12/2011

In the studio with my new raven...

As I now share my studio with a small stuffed version of Poe's famous bird, I wish to relinquish a thought.  I shall never ever NOT listen to people again.  Here and now, I vow to be the last one to speak.  For those of you who are laughing and picking up your jaw from the floor, it has been a fascinating journey over the last few months to actually practice what you preach.  Active listening does work.  I've learned it, taught it, and preached it, but just as Bradbury's Man in the Rorschach Shirt, it doesn't always mean you actually DO it.  The re-learning of such a practice has been a breath of fresh air.  A release; not always pressured to be right or think you were right, but allowing others to just spout off or tell their story to a full degree without interruption or interpretation.  This almost feels like the final piece to the recovering puzzle that I've strived for.  The cathartic novel complete, another started, and most things back in place, learning again to listen just happened.  Maybe the mind is more clear.  Maybe I finally gave up and decided to be human.  What I'm really hoping is that my misanthropic attitude has gone away, or at least found a recessive synapse for a while.  I don't promise a cure, but a hope everyone out there at least practices the art of listening - again. 

Petoskey 10/3/2011

Sitting on the Adirondacks...

A couple weeks ago some friends of ours helped us with the road clean-up for our little 2 miles of highway.  No tortuous events, and not much trash, but an easy two hours on a Sunday afternoon.  Afterwords, a Sunday dinner and stories spilled into the evening.  That day was without tension and without strife.  Not that everyday is void of stress or tension, but just in reflecting on the day with friends what would lend one to get angry?  What would actually cause such an emotion if it were to exist?  Outside of being abused, generally it's us.  A choice we make to be angry over a situation that we don't like or want, but we may have put ourselves there at that moment.  When we get angry at someone or something, perhaps the first place we should look is at ourselves.  Realizing I'm not the first to say that, I do practice it daily.  Of late, I've had to work closely with some people who cause me angst.  When I first look inward and sort out what creates my emotion, I can chip away at the real issue creating the discomfort.  Once there, it's still surprising to find I can make a different choice in my life.  I can choose to stay around people who create angst and learn to adapt or find another space.  The one choice I make, and one I talk about ad nausea, is to go outside.  Nature envelops us like a womb.  It's a steady, a constant - good and bad.  Weather is weather and not always nice, but we learn to adapt.  We must or we move.  More and more in our society, we don't adapt.  We cordon people off.  We make more rules.  Divide into little groups. My way or the highway.  Like a few friends, picking up litter along a 2 mile stretch of road, it seems easier working together in good spirits rather than biting at each others heels.  If we can adapt to what Nature throws at us, why do we keep not adapting to people around us?  Life can be less troublesome.  Within our own minds, usually lies our contempt. 

Petoskey 9/14/2011

Editing the novel...

As I edit the novel and look to the past, I realize how cathartic and yet how exciting.  The future before me is unwritten.  The novel solidifies and cements what I know was real and what I know has happened since 1999.  To review my own life and put it into words allows me to understand how I ended up where I am.  But, it also allows me to shape my future.  I suggest everyone write their life.  Whether it ends up a novel or a paragraph, the exercise allows you to think clearly of what not to do again or what you still need to accomplish.  Recently I was in a discussion about art, and a woman said, "I can't draw."  My retort was, "Everyone can draw.  It's the appreciation of the finished product that one struggles with."  It's like that with writing our life or living our life.  Everyone can write, and you obviously are living, but will you be satisfied with the finished product? 

Petoskey 9/3/2011

Enjoying the end of summer, but...

I have writers block because I'm afraid of what I might say.  I've been very disheartened by the political ramblings everywhere about everybody.  This has become such an angry blaming society, and there is such a lack of civility.  I've noted people around town sour.  People who have worked together for years turning on each other.  The reason?  Everyone is pressed.  Everyone is worried.  It just feels like if we pulled together we could solve much of what we're worried about - whatever that may be.  It's almost as if drama is being created in our society to create a paralyzing fear so that others can take advantage.  The rich get richer while the others flail. 

Petoskey 8/21/2011

Working on the novel

The new artwork is in the media room, and I realize the picture on the website looks awful.  Oh well. I will fix it as soon as I can get to it.  The fences are much more dramatic and Beveled Edges did a masterful job in their framing.  As we continue to progress through this life change which is symbolic within the charcoal drawings, I write about the past in the novel and still can't imagine why I  put myself and others through the travails around the country.  Living in drama and with dysfunction?  Why?  I have no idea.  I do know after a family reunion this weekend, that my space is healthier than perhaps it has ever been.  The key perhaps has been the trek to zero.  The more stuff; the more worry.  The more we wish to obtain; the less time we give to our life.  Enjoy what is before you today. 

Charlevoix 8/13/2011

At the Black Cat concert in the barn

The dinner was by American Spoon and the music was hot jazz.  The best part of the night?  Watching a grandmother dance with her granddaughter.  The youngster twirled and skipped, and even tried a little ballet in between.  It was unbridled elation.  She wasn't looking for an audience either.  She was not on a dance floor, and most everyone was watching the band.  But just outside the barn, the real show was on.  Tangentially I sat next to some very nice people who talked about how wonderful their life was - as long as it was within a strict conservative box.  I think the little girl showed us not to be afraid to step out. 

Petoskey 7/31/2011

On the side deck listening to a cardinal...

After two amazing days, I sat outside last night watching the sunset over Lake Michigan and felt absolute bliss.  I write often about the connectedness of our Universe and the Nature around us, but last night I sat almost breathless in the aura of their majesty.  The breeze off the lake was cool while the sky was as a cuddle fish changing colors, hues, and textures deciding if it should rain or not.  As the sun set, the reds, oranges, purples and blues played a symphony of color not even a Mozart could capture.  The softness of that evening brought about an ability to see and feel every bug, sight every bird that flew by, and hear each directional change in the breeze.  The earth was in its glory.  The rare times you can settle into the flow of energy around you that has such a comfort comes sporadically in our busy lives.  To have a chance to experience and appreciate it truly does represent the way life should be.  So why do we look elsewhere?

Petoskey 7/27/2011

On the Adirondacks on the new patio...

Okay, maybe it should be "tomspoetry.com monthly."  I have been busy for all the right reasons.  The new charcoal series is complete and at the frame shop - thanks Trude.  A wonderful visit by Rick and his wife earlier in the month, and one grandchild culminated in a night of songs by the Rickster.  He will be at the Ark soon.  Kayaking has been easy withthe weather, while planning for the big trip in 2013 continues.  On the docket for this monthwas finishing the studio and the house for the summer.  Let's just say the project list is shrinking, but the studio is done!! Thank goodness.  I had a long soliloquy about the economy, politics, and the wannabees out there who don't have a clue, but I erased it.  Let's talk about feeling normal.  The feeling of no highs, no lows, but just normal.  I felt that recently and had no clue what to do.  How often I've taught students, colleagues, children, and anyone who would listen about the concept of feeling normal.  I was walking slower; felt no stress; even took extra time for me on the back deck - and I about went nuts.  Reaching this stage is a dream, but you wonder with all the madness around you how difficult it must be for most to feel just normal (whatever normal is for them).  For me it's a lack of stress and anxiety.  A lack of enormous excitement or sadness.  It's just being.  The closer I get to zero the less stress I have.  What would all the bankers, investment types, business owners and politicians do if they reached that state of being?  (Sorry, it just creeps in.)  How about this?  Enjoy your life now.  Don't give your money to investors and bankers and politicians to use for their wealth.  Enjoy your money now.  Don't fall for the Kool-Aide of retirement worry.  Enjoy your children now.  Teach your children more than the schools.  Don't yip at the news that you can't control.  Hit the trail, go for a canoe trip, backpack, walk, draw a picture, take a picture, play Scrabble, go in the front yard and play catch, teach the kids what its like to play outside, take the Tonka trucks to the sandbox and build a road for the Matchbox Cars, do something other than watch Fox News or msnbc.  LIVE YOUR LIFE! Not someones idea of what your life should be.  It doesn't take a million dollars.  Our life has been skewed by many.  Take control.  Enjoy!  On the eve of what would be my father's 77th birthday, I remember words he spoke to me as I meandered through undergrad, "Don't work for a big company.  You become a number and a non-person.  Take care of yourself."  That was as AT&T closed Western Electric after the anti-trust suit.  After 30 years, they gave him two years of severance and said you're done at 50 years old.  That two years of severance was less than I made the first year out of undergrad.  After 37 years of my life devoted to health care, no one ever owned me except me.  Right or wrong, thank you Dad.  I miss you.

Petoskey 6/23/2011

In the writer's studio...

Well, two fishing trips are complete, and I'm back to writing.  The last hurdle mentioned in the previous blogspretty much complete.  So far so good.  I have found that being around good people witheven better expectations and intentions, helps one recover into a world of positives versus negatives.  The two fishing trips withthe kids were not only phenomenal, but they were inspirational.  The first time in 25 years without cell phone, without pending junk, and witha place to return that was all positive.  No more abuse, and no more insanity.  We weathered storms, fog, cold, hail, and extraordinary heat all in those two weeks only to enjoy every moment.  The novel editing is near completion, and the new art work is underway.  The new theme will be fences.  My daughter gave me a wonderful charcoal set for Father's Day, so I will be experimenting withcanvas this week and beyond.  The days ahead should be filled with magic as the volunteer efforts ramp-up even more.  Thank you all for your responses, calls, and encouragement.  There is life after turmoil and light after darkness.  "Ain't it wonderful" works a whole lot better than "ain't it awful".  

Harbor Springs 5/30/2011

Sitting by the fire...

Joshua graduated yesterday! The youngest is leaving the nest.  He was elected to give the final remarks at the end of the ceremony, and a wonderful testimony to a wonderful young man (not that I'm biased).  Next week we start the annual fishing trip, so all will be north, and life will take a break.  You'll notice at the beginning of the website there is a note about an art page.  We were fortunate to have the Art Director of the Palette Bistro in Petoskeyreview my work and elect to show it throughout the summer season.  This is all wonderful, but next week brings an end to the final chapter of my three year recovery from an abusive lifestyle. I don't know the outcome, but I do know that no matter what happens, to be alive and breathing is a better choice.  To be fishing with all of my children and son-in-law is even better.

Petoskey 5/22/2011

A full weekend...

It started on Friday.  George came to the gym and was ecstatic that his CT scan was negative after just 3 chemo treatments!  I bought him a round at Leo's.  On Saturday morning, I was up at 5 and off to set-up a 5K run in Levering.  It was the first annual Redneck Run that we started at the Bliss Store.  We thought maybe 3, 4 maybe 5 people, but we had over 30!  It was a marvelous way to start a day.  By that evening, we were ushering a concert at the Boyne City Performing Arts Center.  Mozart, Schumann, Verdi, Broadway music and wonderful theatrics followed by a superb dinner at Stanteon the water.  On Sunday, it started withan old movie, a long walk along the Bear River, lunch, and a kayak trip in the bay.  After some gardening, a gin game, and the Stanley Cup Playoffs, the evening culminated in a Scrabble game withBud.  We had pizza and wine on a warm spring evening.  Best news of all were the scholarships Joshua received.  The point of all of this?  On Friday morning I was down. Lower than the curb on the street.  I was spending my usual Friday morning volunteering at the Chapel and I surrendered yet again.  By Sunday, I was driving home along the bay singing as loud as I could withthe sun roof open.  Never quit.  Never give up.  Never count yourself out.  As long as you keep your faith and feed your soul, life has a chance.

Harbor Springs 5/14/2011

On the porch...

The joys of our life should not be measured by the success of a career or the size of our house but by the enjoyment in life we practice each and every moment.  The mayfly's spring hatch, the cacophony of birds exhorting warmth and sunshine, the bright yellow-green blossoms of birch and poplar are all visions of a life fulfilled understanding why these things come about and what they all mean.  We've secluded ourselves away to cubicle and computer changing how we measure life's contentment - which should not be an empty e-mail box!  If we would allow our own circadian rhythms of life to revolve around our connectedness to Nature and the Universe, we would find a flow to life that just happens within our Divine.  To continually fight these rhythms and artificially alter them, only puts us at odds within ourselves and our soul.

Harbor Springs 5/3/2011

Friends...

Last week was extraordinary.  I spent a week doing increased time at Brother Dan's and have learned to love the Tuesdays when we shop with the clients.  I also spent every night except one with Bud.  He's 86 and a veteran of WWII, Korea, and Vietnam.  We bowled, played Scrabble, and had a couple of Happy Hours.  George was tired after his last treatment, so only two days at the gym.  Men's group on Wednesday was long and fruitful.  The next day resulted in a lunch that proved to me there are still good people on this earth.  Finally on Friday, the meditation at the Chapel was peaceful and thoughtful.  Tommy had his last exam and is ready for Oxford.  Ashely finished classes and is ready for her thesis.  Josh has 16 days and off to U of M after a nice award letter.  As I work on rewrites for the novel, I realize again how great my life has become.  While I spend most of the week giving back and giving away, the healing continues.  The lack of drama, abuse, and public hysteria are my choices.  I have taken responsibility to live a better, healthier life.  Took a long time to realize we can make that choice. 

It's Easter  4/24/11

A day in the sun...

It was a great week.  Another kayak trip on the bay before another soul could dare.  The ice is gone and the wind was northeast, so a tailing wind on return.  A nice stop at the state park and riding the white caps back.  Kids are all busy with finals, husband, and family, while a new grandchild is born.  Spring takes hold while small piles of snow remain from the last big dump.  Soon warmth will prevail and days will seem endless.  There were lots of prayers and thoughts about a lot of people this week.  Forgiveness has been the trek, and I think there was a breakthrough.  A powerful moment among many, so we shall see.  Some favorites are back on the website, and chicken is on the grill.  This Sunday is almost complete, so adieu. Adieu.  Till once again we meet.

At the gym with George 4/17/11

Inspiration...

On a day where I felt depressed and began feeling victimized again, I received a dose of needed reality.  In the course of my volunteer work, the one recurring event that is near and dear to my heart is training George.  He is a 60 year old gentleman who was working as a regional pharmacy executive when he was let go during the international pharmacy mergers.  In that same year he lost his sister, and then he began feeling ill.  After some investigation, he was told he had lymphoma. It just so happened that prior to finding out he had cancer, he had approached me to show him how to work with free-weights.  He is by trade an exercise physiologist, but he had never worked at free-weights.  Running road races and using machines was his mantra prior to the pharmaceutical career.  I was happy to oblige, and was even more delighted when he decided to continue the work-outs once diagnosed.  We discussed all the positives and negatives, and the positives far outweighed the negatives.  Thus, the workouts continued.  He quickly progressed in all muscle groups, and his form was near perfect.  A tweak or two here and there was all it took.  Thirteen weeks into the workout his definitive diagnosis was made, Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma of an aggressive nature.  We continued to push, and after lengthy discussions between his local provider and everyone from Mayo to the University of Michigan, he began his treatments.  The consulting oncologist at U of M was so impressed with his fitness, that he encouraged him to continue.  Now, three treatments into his chemo, George is an inspiration to all.  His color is better than mine.  He can still do 3 miles on the treadmill, and last week he worked all of his muscle groups without missing a note.  So, the day I'm feeling down and on the pity pot, I go to train a man who has active cancer and may or may not survive, and I can only stop thinking stupid thoughts and begin to see the light.  Everything that has happened to me has certainly been life altering; I may die any day, but the encouragement from a person like George puts me in a higher place.  A return to understand the reality of what my life has been about and the purposes for which I exist comes back to the forward parts of my brain.  Yes there are a lot of crummy people in this world; yes there are circumstances that make no sense, but when you still have your life, family, friends, the connection between Nature, the Universe and you, then you are never lost.  There is always hope.  George should teach us all that we mere mortals should have the strength and courage to fight through petty ills.  Whining about insignificant happenings and insignificant worries only creates turmoil we can discount.  My credo from this is to continue to work on forgiveness of people that placed me in untenable situations, while at the same time realizing it was my responsibility placing myself at their mercy.  Each day is the best day of my life, and between Brother Dan's, taking Joe out for an evening, bowling with Bud, taking my turn at the chapel, attending the men's group, and working with George, my life is blessed.  Erasing seven years has been difficult, but it doesn't compare when others face life and death everyday from an illness they can't control.  My cancer was nothing compared to what George must endure.  My cancer still exists in my mind with wasted moments and thoughts on things in my life that mean absolutely nothing.  That is why I put the kayak on the car and headed out in 30 degree weather with snow, sleet, and wind to hit Little Traverse Bay.  I played in the whitecaps and practiced for the big journey in 2013.  When you get down, think of what George must be going through.  Think of what we believe is important or relative to our life's rhythm; take a step back then give thanks for taking the next breath and feeling your heart beat.  Once both of those stop, nothing else exists.  Nothing.

On the North Country Trail 3/31/11

A walk in the woods...

This was how it once was.  No sound except that silence in your ears you only hear as the energy of your body works around you.  No wind.  No breeze.  A brilliant blue sky and wispy cirrus clouds frame the sun on an early spring day.  All the lowlands are covered in snow.  The occasional dead tree has been freshly clawed for nourishment as you note the bear tracks next to it.  The only birds are chickadees and ravens; no other sounds or signs are obvious.  I'm at the top of the last hill, and the lake is to the west.  Ice chunks, slabs, and small bergs floating as if anchored in a painting.  I write as I lean against a tree withthe sun on my face.  The leaves under me are dry over a bed of moss.  The only green are the tufts of white pine needles, spruce, and hemlock branches with their green fingers reaching for the sun.  Now a pileatedwoodpecker arrives.  The sound of its drilling is more perfect than any rhythm a man could provide with a tool.  New buds and shoots look like mites on the twigs of the trees napping in the warm sun.  The angle higher now so everything knows it's time to start stretching and growing again.  I sit in aw and feel the same aura.  For those who find themselves out of sorts and stuck, take a walk in the woods.  Take a stretch and feel the glow on your face.  There is nothing man can contrive that is as inspirational.

Petoskey 3/20/11

Watching "Casablanca" after the flu...

This was a tough week.  Right after writing last week, I came down with the flu - Type A to be more specific.  All I know is a week later and I'm still tired.  Better, but tired.  After the fever left and I ventured out into the world again, I at least made the fish fry and helped fetch water, coffee, and clean up after everyone left.  The time given to so many helps heal.  Hockey games and old movies helped pass the time.  I tried watching the 24 hour news stations, but between Fox, msnbc, and CNN, I found no journalism, a lot of hype and absolutely ridiculous information.  The best part of the week?  An afternoon lecture series we started covering nutrition and healthy habits for the community.  The irony of having the flu I suppose, but a great event nonetheless.  Simplifying life, exercise, and great locally grown food just works.  Funny how so many just can't get there.  People shared stories of heart attacks, strokes, GI disorders, and all, in theory, preventable by lifestyle change.  You want to know the greatest cause to our health care problem?  To steal a line, we have seen the enemy and it is us.  My having the flu shows no matter how well we eat, work-out, and drastically change our style of life there remains pitfalls to health.  Immune systems can only do so much I guess, but today I will again hit the gym and work my way back to health.  Take a long look at yourself.  As you complain about healthcare costs, insurance rates, and hospital systems, how about starting with your own health.  Not everybody has Rick over our shoulder saying, "Play 22."  We need to make our own luck.  Slow the stress, eat right, and get your body in motion.  It's a better way to spend your money.

Petoskey 3/13/11

Reality...

I sit in a newly created "humanities studio" that I continue to work on.  Think of Edger Allen Poe and the Cask of Amontillado.  Think dripping rocks under Paris, Rome or Budapest with webs and skulls.  Horowitz is banging out Rachmaninovwhile I wrestle with new material for poem and palette.  All of this in afterthought of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan.  No matter the wealth, no matter the life, we are at the pleasure of Nature and our Universe.  Last night I listened to a wonderful pianist up from Columbia performing in Charlevoix with the Great Lakes Chamber Orchestra.  He did Mozart's 21st as well as anyone I've ever heard.  The music transcends time and events.  It doesn't get washed away in a wave or swallowed by the earth.  The creations of mankind in the ethereal far outweigh the material; yet we continue to build cities, hospitals, tourist meccas, nuclear plants, and anything else we can imagine on fault lines and within reach of unbridled Nature then exhaust ourselves with torturous alarm and horror when we realize we still can't control everything.  We are but parts of a Universe and flotsam of biology that keeps attempting to one-up what we can't one-up.  At the Saturday Salon in Petoskey yesterday, we all discussed new books, old books, revelations of the economy and the future thought of the scholars sitting at the table around me, only to be asked by one, "Does any of this matter?"  We came home to sit, read, and contemplate the discussion when, out of the blue, Christine's brother pops in.  For the next two hours, we re-enact Thoreau, Emerson, Alcott, and their contemporaries covering religion, reality and "does any of this matter" instead of watching iPhones, pads, or television.  It was a wonderful afternoon to be crowned by the concert, only to awaken the next day to further developments in Japan.  Our reality is tested daily.  Why do so many continue to live beyond it?  I obviously sound like a curmudgeon and misanthrope, but admit I have to get my hockey fix every day.  I like our Netflix and getting movies immediately through the web to the TV, but I can't get use to some machine telling me how to get somewhere I already know how to get to.  I can't get use to having people sit down and begin a conversation only to be distracted by their phone that constantly rests in their hand.  I can't get use to everyone trying to get some place faster when they're already there; however, I use to do all of that.  Then my reality struck.  None of it made me a better person.  In fact, it made me take less interest in the importance of what I once cherished and had lost sight of.  Time.  Family.  Children.  Friends.  Loved ones.  I pray for Japan, love the two hours of life-discussion on a Saturday afternoon, and relish the ability to volunteer usher at a concert.  Does any of this matter?  Yes.  We matter. 

Petoskey 2/26/11

Getting rid of the past...

I've been absent from writing on this site the last few weeks for all the right reasons.  I have finished the novel that was being highlighted under "A Weekly Novel", and I've reviewed years of journals, scripts, and thoughts written in actual journals, on napkins, and scraps of paper.  Today I placed into a burn pile hundreds of pages.  Today I placed into the scrap heap years of depression, despair, and stupidity.  Why does one hang on to such garbage?  People clean offices, empty waste baskets, scrub floors, but to do that to your brain is not always easy.  Resentments, disenchantment, abuse, or loss all tend to hover under the glossy paint we put out everyday in our smile and relationships.  No matter the depthI went to, some things I couldn't forgive or let go of - until today.  Gone.  I'm left withthe present.  Friends and family have been amazing in their patience and perseverance in allowing me the time to heal.  While life the last few years has been unbelievably fulfilling, there was that deep recessive group of synapses in my brain that burned with hate and the unforgiving terror of repeating some horrors.  Won't happen.  I see, feel and perceive people and their intentions much differently.  I react differently - and healthy.  Not to say slips may not happen or surprises occur, I just know the pathis clear.  What's nice is that my integrity and dignity are intact.  The clarity of my spirit, my place in Nature and the Universe along withmy grasp on serenity are stronger than at any other time in my life.  My children have astounded us: one just accepted for an internship at Oxford; the youngest just in the local paper on the front page for academic excellence (portrait and all); the oldest on her deadline to finish grad school and continue her amazing life with her husband.  The first entry I made under this blog was about my life as a novel.  It will continue to be written.  It will have coffee stains on the pages, some tattered corners, maybe a small rip on the bottom of a page, but nonetheless, it will be real and lengthy.  Stay tuned.... 

Harbor Springs  2/3/11

Finding depth...

This past week I found a peace in realizing a lack of shallowness in my life.  You find yourself going through the motions; you get to a point where you wonder why - about everything.  Then all comes 'round to a clear perspective.  There is meaning behind what we do and how we believe.  Our influence in life around us is great, and we touch so many people during the course of a day.  Make it count.

Petoskey  1/23/11

After the snow shoeing...

Yesterday, we traveled north to Wilderness State Park.  The weather was clearing, and the cold was arriving.  No stopping us though; we laced up, snapped in, and off we went.  Through the new snow on cedar, spruce, and pine we trekked on toward the sunset.  Miles later, it was there.  The tranquil sky in all it's royal, midnight and pastel blues mixing with the pink and orange of the setting sun. Basking in the silence, and feeling as warm as toast in sub-zero temperatures, we put an exclamation point on the day.  Reciting Robert Service as we walked back, "the stars tumbled out, neck and crop...", they went from a dim hello to a fully lit Broadway performance.  Orion's belt was our compass point for our return, and he stood over us watching.   Spectacular was too small a word.  In the depth and breadth of the evening, you felt absorbed by the surroundings; the rhythm of the life connected to all in your path. 

Harbor Springs 1/9/11

Painting...

I put up the easel I got for Christmas and started painting again.  At this point, charcoal is easier than water colors.  I'm rusty, but at least I'm painting again.  It's been years.  What I find interesting after a nice kayak trip today in the snow is how nice it feels again to take advantage of time.  I hear from people all week that they never have time.  Take the time.  Start the novel, start the picture, pick up the camera, take a picture, listen to music and dance.  My house looks like a man-cave studio.  The tying table is topped with new flies, the easel's up, poetry and journals around, music playing, history books out, trip plans for the Lake Superior circumnavigation trip being drawn up, and flight manuals being highlighted.  Yes, kids keep ya busy.  Yes, jobs keep ya busy.  But, we make our own busy.  We get so caught up in the day-to-day survivor mentality that we forget to live.  Make a New Year's resolution - LIVE!  The only one stopping you is you.

Harbor Springs  1/3/2011

Thanks...

Nothing elaborate here.  Just a thank you to all who shared their Christmas and New Year.  To my family, friends, and community, I am so thankful to have you in my life, and I can only hope to continue giving back all that you've given to me.

Harbor Springs  12/17/10

A big week...

We were blessed this week withone getting admitted to U of M.  He received packets from Harvard and MIT but chose a home school.  Another finished first semester at George Washington Law in DC, and someone began flying (while starting a second bucket list).  The plan of life continues.  The focus of job and career should never take precedent over life.  Taking time withchildren at an early age has been a constant theme of this site, but it does work.  Withparents working trying to keep up withsome vision of reality paced by someone trying to sell them something, kids are generally raised with the same whim.  Having gotten caught up in the chase, I have been lost.  In the last few years, the reality of life has returned.  Poems published, artwork framed, new paths walked, and flying through clouds have all worked to make one remember how wonderful life is.  To pass that same theme onto a child is a gift.  It takes courage, passion, and constantly working against the grain, but the results are bountiful.  As you shop this Christmas season, think about why.  Think about the gift of life not found in an iPhone.  Think about the gift of time with your loved ones.  Think about the gift of love not wrapped in a box.  Life is so precious.  Take hold of it.  Live.

Petoskey  12/6/10

People still don't get it

After about 150 families came to Brother Dan's Pantry before Thanksgiving, I was watching the debates about the tax cuts and unemployment benefits.  I then read some articles on both sides of the political fence.  Finally a conclusion: the general public has no idea what's real.  The jobs have not come back to us.  If you go to any store, whether it be clothing, appliance, or kitchen supply, and research any item, most everything is made somewhere else.  The only people that continue to make money are connected to investments and banks because they don't care where "things" are made.  They are only concerned with their profits and investments.  The common man would like to believe in a pay check.  Those in Congress show up on camera in their very expensive suits touting the continuation of the tax cuts which clearly are against the common man and only for those making more than $250,000 a year - oh wait, that means most in Congress.  They don't want their taxes raised nor do they want the taxes raised for the people that give them the vast majority of their campaign funding.  This is really where the public has absolutely no idea of how their government works.  Tax cuts work to increase jobs and business growth?  Excuse me?  That's what has gone on for almost ten years, and I do believe jobs have continued to decrease while the new gilded-age residents have expanded their income.  I'm all for the free-market, but the playing field has changed.  Adam Smith would never have wanted his beliefs to be turned toward the greed and lack of community trust that has become the norm.  If people would just look deeper into the world of lobbying, association management, unions, and what really drives up the cost of health care, they would want a greater revolution than anyone could ever imagine.  Between the consumerism pushed daily in all media outlets, and the connection of information presented to persuade beliefs based only on front page readers, this wonderful American society experiment, as it was touted even during the Civil War, will finally fail unless we stand up and take notice.

Harbor Springs 11/29/10

Idle thoughts on a post-Thanksgiving Monday

Sorry for not writing over the last month, but all good things take time, and my good thing has been a deep breath.  The family time over Thanksgiving was the best in years; the time at Brother Dan's Pantry was humbling; new flies have been designed and tied for the spring opener; all the houses are FINALLY put to bed for winter.  The wood stove needed some new stove pipe and is working great.  During this month, two trees were cut and split.  In the aftermath of the elections and in the face of continued economic uncertainty, I have made one thing certain - me.  When all is said and done, all you have left at the end of the day is yourself.  If that's not right, nothing else around you is. 

Harbor Springs 10/24/10

Putting the house to bed for winter...

The kids have been up for the week, and we all worked to get the leaves done and the outside all picked up for the winter.  The sun angles differently and things you couldn't see through the forest suddenly show.  A quiet remains with tourists and summer folk all gone - well, for now.  Ski season around the corner, and a sound of shotgun and rifle off in the distance share with us a reminder to look for the orange if we wish to walk the wood.  The journal is full and a new one will be started.  Canoe up and fishing gear away; this will be a year of publishing and painting.  Another chapter in the life-novel turned.  Maybe the best is yet to come...

Harbor Springs 10/7/10

In the hammock under the stars...

After a long few days, I surrendered - again.  Sometimes there's nothing else to do.  It was clear and chilly outside; deer, coons, loud coyotes, and lots of other creatures roaming about the house.  I laid in the hammock and watched the stars.  When I do that it gives me a sense of real.  That I am but a speck.  A dust mite from a distant comet worried about nothing.  Yet, worried about everything.  The universe is connected to us through Nature, through people, through all that is around us with functional electrons and protons that move from space to air to liquid to solid to liquid to air and back to space.  When you feel the weight of the world on you, there is pressure.  Real or imagined, it's there.  As you voice your surrender outward, it carries and finds roots.  I'm just tired of finding poplars.  I need a good oak, or maybe just a few more surrenders.

Lansing 9/28/10

At a conference...

At a conference today, we had a break after the morning session.  As we sat and ate our lunch, people at the table began discussing and gossiping about their co-workers.  Some of it nasty.  Some of it devastating.  All of it made me uneasy.  We all have a gripe about someone at some point.  We all get agitated or angry at someone at some point, but why do people, and I would say a lot of people, absolutely take apart other people when they're not around?  Is there no security or ability in taking your grievance directly to the person you're upset with?  I do know that when a person does talk directly to another about misgivings, often that person is taken-a-back by it all, and reacts defensively.  Many set up walls so no one will talk to them.  Many begin the gossip way of life, and live and die by that sword.  It has become so easy for people to smile and fake cordiality, only to go into the next room and destroy a person with gossip.  What's worse is it also destroys everything and perhaps everyone that goes with that person.  Even more debilitating is the media explosion we have where anything can be said, published, and broadcast to millions in a heartbeat without even knowing the truth.  Maybe when you are with others and the gossip begins, you could have the courage to just say, "Not interested." and leave.  Maybe point out a positive attribute of the person.  Or even just not go there.  There is plenty to discuss other than a person for right and/or wrong reasons.  Take note.  When you're in a conversation, do a person a favor and not talk about him or her.  How about those Lions?

Petoskey 9/22/10

On the verge...

I've been reading voraciously.  Political theory, economic theory, newspapers, web-news, and anything else I can get my hands on.  I have my treatise on God, Nature, and the Universe.  I've written my manifesto about the common man and our new world order, but there's something more.  The problem is I can't yet formulate what it is.  There is something looming out there that hits me everyday I talk with people everywhere.  The homes I visit, my colleagues, friends, family, and even the guys at the gym all show evidence of a pensive affect.  Through my cynicism, re-discovered creativity and imagination I would love to put into words what I see and feel.  I take notes.  I sketch.  I discuss and listen.  Still nothing complete.  Lots of loose ideas and evidence, but no conclusion.  Maybe it's just being in my 50's now.  Perhaps it's living with no TV and letting the mind work.  An enlightenment takes hold when you're not wrapped up in day-to-day hype and falsities.  In Michigan, it's easy to see people worried about their future since unemployment/underemployment is about 25% in many areas.  What is curious is how many people discuss and make opinions based on what they hear and not what they believe.  In the meantime,  I'll keep kayaking, fishing, sitting outside every evening watching the sun go down, and praying that "it" comes together.  Who knows?  Maybe that's the new secret.  Calm.

Harbor Springs 9/1/10

On the porch...again...

At a dinner party the past week, I was asked a very complimentary question, "How did you raise such successful children?"  I found it easy to answer, and I was able to do so without hesitation.  Besides loving and nurturing parents, I explained that what I feel worked so well is that we concentrated money and time on them growing up instead of working to death for retirement hoping we can spend time later.  The response was silence and a very perplexed smile.  Some people tend to worry that somewhere down the road we need tons of money to exist (absolutely being pushed by fund managers, investment bankers, financial planners, and the like) while we don't take kids to Washington DC, the National Parks, Shiloh, Gettysburg, museums, bookstores, libraries, camping, fishing, backpacking, or to the sandlot to play ball.  Two parents working and making sure the future is secure, what about NOW?  I do realize there is a recurring theme to my writings and notes, but everyday I see and experience the majority of folks NOT doing something NOW and making sure years down the road "all will be okay."  Guess what?  It will be okay.  Make sure you do have some to be okay - don't need millions unless you want to worry about having millions or keeping a lifestyle that's taking you away now.  The children you have want security of spirit and soul.  They're not born looking for a big screen TV; they're born looking for nurturing and love.  So as you put that money away for retirement, look at your child and wonder if it would really cost so much to grab a bat and ball and run outside?  Maybe a weekend camping trip or a road trip to some piece of American history that shaped us all.  If you depend on the school or daycare to educate, you get what you get.  If you wait to spend time with your children, it will be too late.  Have you ever seen a sunset on Lake Superior?  Wondered what it was like to face Pickett's Charge?  Maybe hike at Glacier?  Seen the buffalo in South Dakota? Inside of a mall?  Sorry.  That was mean.

Harbor Springs 8/17/10

On the porch...

It's a cool moist night in the forest.  A soft haze rests over the fields afar as rain dries and temperatures change.  Nature ebbs and flows with season after season of subtle growth and subtle change until it's suddenly a new season.  As a person thinks throughout the day making subtle growth and subtle change then suddenly it's a new day, a new week, month, year, life.  I read the paper and listen to the news, everything is an advertisement.  Everything we see, hear, and watch is connected to money.  What's worse, even the people preaching spiritual growth, writing about the value of time, and getting back to the importance of life are making money giving that advice.  Or, they wish to raise their egos in search of either money or fame which leads to wealth.  Can you actually go through the day and do something directed at wealth of spirit, Nature, God, or the universe that doesn't involve a search for the dollar?

Gaylord 7/30/10

Back in real time....

Ever have days where nothing makes sense?  People talk of spiritual guidance, life without schedules, and time to work on important things like our earthas they run out the door worried about being one minute late for work?  How about complaining about people withmoney and influence then harping about not saving enough money to send their own kids to better schools?  Maybe this one: you've told the truth; kept promises; took responsibility; now no one believes you because it was too easy?  Or, people say you shall give of yourself and live a life of giving all away as they step into their new Cadillac?  Or my favorite today, "Aetna Inc. (health insurer) reported second quarter profits rising 42 percent to $491 million... deductibles are rising, less are receiving care..." and people don't understand why some feel we need health care reform?  Let's see, change the way you view your job and make change; take the time to educate your children and don't depend on the school because you're busy and can't handle it; don't get jaded while lumping everyone into one pot then take your own emotional deficits out on others; really try giving up everything and giving back to society and see how long you can last without watching Fox news daily; take your profits from your healthcare stock and line your coffin with them when the CEO's bonus is more important than your child's bone marrow transplant.  The paradox of our modern life is mind bending.  What's worse is that the people who do follow a path that may not be conforming to some cover story on People magazine or discussed on the Glen Beck show are viewed as crazy or out-of-touch.  One thing I have learned is that people's loyalty goes as far as their paycheck, big house, or job security.  We chose to believe who or what gives the most to our lifestyle in this society, and many will not accept compromise, humanity, and living connected to our natural world.  The revolution is not the Tea Party.  They're actually afraid one may happen. 

Washington DC  7/4/10

On a bench in the sculpture garden

Well, after years of hard work, another child finds his spot.  And what a spot.  The time away from this site has been extensive and even now I'm writing later than the title date, but to be able to spend a month of transition in a young adult'slife is immeasurable.  Never will I have to say, "If I could have only been there...." or "I wish I could have done..."  For me, while sacrifices are immense, the conscience allows me to sleep with a smile.  Prior to that on the yearly fishing trip, there was a family close by.  Tommy and I were engaged in a wild wiffleballgame at camp, and the two toddlers close by watched intently and began wandering over.  The father of the two called them back from his lawn chair and began yelling at them.  The children then began crying, and several adults remained in their lawn chairs withtheir beer and cigarettes.  Finally, one gentleman got up and disappeared before returning witha small plastic bat and ball.  The kids stopped crying and the three began playing - for about 10 minutes.  The guy sits down, so the kids keep playing and one hits the other with the bat while trying to hit the ball.  "Stop crying.  Here give me that bat and you get a time out."  Kids crying.  Grown-ups drinking.  No one playing.  I've been playing wiffleball with the kids since they could walk.  Beer and cigarettes never seemed that important.

Gaylord   6/11/10

Sitting and sitting and sitting...

What do you do?  What do you do when you can't stop ruminating and meditation doesn't help; reading doesn't help; talking, visiting, walking, nothing seems to help.  I guess you write.  I've written volumes, and am working on some different themes and ideas.  It's interesting that the most cathartic moments in your life often lead to the most creativity.  Especially when you just want quiet and peace, but can't seem to find it in your mind.  Having learned to experience panic and the frozen process of time ticking slowly away, the emptiness that would bring serenity now often brings worry.  And then it happens.  Things begin to turn.  An unexpected call from a child; a friend; a bright sun burning off the clouds; a final prayer and a surrender of the day.  The heart beats slower and the mind turns to wonder about the positive in the future.  When you hurt and worry, thinking about isolation only makes it worse.  Go find a smile.  Go make a laugh.  Live.  The moment is at hand.

Grayling  6/4/10

During the drake hatch...

For the first time in over 10 years, I was able to spend time on the river in early June.  There was a new fly pattern I experimented withand was anxious to give it a toss.  As I put the Sage together and tied on some tippet, I found myself uneasy.  What's that about?  I'm getting ready to do something I love and cherish.  Later as I walk into the stream, I pull out some line and give a quick cast - into the tree.  A tree I've fished around for 30 years!  Okay.  Take a deep breath.  Wait.  Why am I out of rhythm?  Then it hit me: 10 years.  Not one.  Not a couple.  Ten!!  A decade.  How messed up can a life get when one of the things that keeps you sane has vanished from your life?  I literally shook my head and tried to shake it off.  Next cast, bang!  Brownie.  Not a keeper but the fly worked.  Down  the stream I went and a vision from the universe was upon me: drakes, caddis, birds of every kind swooping and diving for their evening meal.  Fish at every turn...it happened.  I was one withthe river, Nature, and the rhythm was back.  There was a cadence and a breathing that filled me with a focus on everything around me and nothing in me.  We go through life thinking and dreaming about what makes us feel good.  What we work for, and then we get lost.  Sometimes buried.  Then life hits you like an Ali punch.  You take a long look, and for me, two years to realize what is real.  Pain and suffering aside, it still takes action.  Back on the river brought me peace.  Go get some peace.  Take action and work through the fear.  It will hurt more if you never try.

Harbor Springs   5/24/10

Alone in a group...

As you work through your recovery and healing, why is it you feel alone in a group as you stand there?  People talk to engage you, laugh, tell stories, and you hear them, but you don't.  You start ticking things off in your mind: Am I depressed?  Don't think so.  Am I angry?  Well, not any more.  How about afraid?  Very.  Afraid of what?  That someone may ask me something uncomfortable.  Someone may want to know me when I'm in a place I don't want to be known.  I'm still learning what I am and who I am even at 51.  And, it's like I just started a couple years ago.  When you have experienced everything short of war, you don't want to discuss it.  Not ready.  Guess you're at a state where you just want steady.  People complain, moan, and groan about everything.  You're just happy to be alive.  When you've contemplated life without existence or no life and no existence, waking up in the morning, making the bed, and walking outside is breathtaking.

Petoskey 5/14/10

Wondering aloud...

Have you ever wondered what happens to people as your life changes?  After time, you even forget names and reasons they were important in your life.  You pray that things change.  You pray that life would be different.  You work consciously and subconsciously to make the bad all go away.  Then it is.  Everything is different.  At times you look back and see the scars left in the present.  The dreams and nightmares come and go; the good sometimes mixing with the bad.  And you wish ... well, it's not always good.  In reality, it's the current, the now, the present moment that is best and virtuous.  Enjoy that moment.  Live to see the next moment and build good upon good.  Know that if something bad happens it shall pass.  Whatever the case, be happy.  It just works better.

A word of thanks to The Outfitter and The Irish Boat Shop in Harbor Springs.  Their customer service is outstanding! 

Gaylord 5/5/10

In the office at lunch...

Had another graduate from college this past week, so thanks for your patience.  Lots of thoughts about life turning over and looking up, but last night I decided to write something very different.  Everyone in their life looks for some security in the knowledge that at some point all was good.  When Ernie Harwell took stage on the radio and those golden tones hit your ears, all was right with the world.  It was sunny, the park was beautiful, and there was always a chance the Tigers would win.  He brought forth an innocent time for at least a few hours that allowed all of your troubles and worries to evaporate into the right field seats.  Or maybe the sweet smell of a hot one with a cold one while you sat soaking up the sun in center field under the scoreboard.  Times would change and the world would burp, but when Ernie was on, neither Walter Cronkite or CNN would matter.  We've lost the sense of romanticism and striving for the innocence, so for a moment today or this week, shut your eyes and think of the green grass, the infield, mound, plate, and the sun high in the sky.  Add Ernie's voice and say thank you.

Petoskey 4/19/10

At the community garden...

The City of Petoskeyhas given the community a patch of ground to provide space for a community garden.  Taking part in building the site and soon to provide seed and service is a great way to plan and move differently in the world.  Along with volunteering at the local food pantry one or two times a week, this gives one a whole new perspective on our economy and it's effect on the general population.  The concept of growing your own food and then taking the time each day to prepare it for all your meals is no stretch for many, but for those of us who became so connected to processed foods, microwaves, and quick meals, it may be altogether different.  The time for meal prep and clean-up after remain wonderful times for families to connect and BE a family.  The focus on growing food, shopping for food, and preparing the meals also offers a time for nutritional assessment and may allow for better food choices.  Don't take what you eat or how you eat for granted.  Use food time for all the right reasons.

Harbor Springs 4/7/10

Climbing over Joshua...

After a wonderful family filled Easter, everybody went back to work and school except Josh.  He likes to stay up late "killing aliens" on his XBOXwhile catching up on sleep he doesn't get in his busy school life.  We got great news last night with Tommy getting scholarships for his law school.  And, it was for his first choice.  How proud.  How thankful.

When you change your life and become humbled, the kids being up allows you to feel blessed.  Golf, bowling, pool, pizza, cards, laughs, memories all to fill the soul with warmth.  You attend Mass and watch new parents wrestle with kids, chase kids, hold crying babies, and you smile remembering all the hard work.

Maybe life doesn't happen in a straight line.  Maybe a few lumps along the way makes one wake up and stop the tumble.  In a theme of resurrection, never lose hope.  Take note of your life now.  Do you work too much?  Are you falling into the fast pace of life making sure you get everything you think you should have?  Do you cherish your children?  Do you respect them?  Children often times treat you as you treat them.  You never know what may happen, so take hold of them every day.  Be grateful and give thanks.  Watch over them but don't smother.  And remember most of all, they are more important than your job.  They are your job.

Traverse City 3/21/10

On the way to a funeral...

This morning on the news a story grabbed my interest as I contemplated the death of a colleague.  The story revolved around a couple of high school girls who have become so successful shopping and displaying their wares on YouTube that one has quit high school to make more money and be home-schooled.  Is that really a claim to fame?  Is that a legacy that makes society or Nature a better place?  What is our social conscience any more?  We produce such wealth, try for success upon success, but at what point does it really matter?  As we age and go through the fits and starts of life, we all live through life-changing events more than once.  Eventually we all pass into the unknown.  We die.  Have you planned a legacy for children and loved ones?  Is it all about money or a legacy of safety, security, happiness, and compassion?  The funeral service today was for a gentleman who lived for his fellow man; developed and defended programs for children, the disabled, and offered himself as a rich resource for friends and colleagues.  Do the YouTubeshopping twins come close to that?  The celebrations are at both ends of the spectrum, but today a gentleman was quietly celebrated in a small corner of the world, while the rest of the world watched two girls build their legacy devoted to the shallow world most have come addicted to.

Petoskey 3/7/10

Watching the world...

After spending a couple of weeks not writing, I found myself trapped in the world of multi-media and society's rift with itself.  Celebrities doing what they do, and everybody watching; not living their own life, but attempting to be someone they aren't.  The radio, TV, and newspapers all exhibiting the polarity of man against man.  Even people in everyday life seem insecure and angry.  No matter how sincerely nice you are or make attempts to diplomatically make things right in the world, people are just cynical.  I lost my focus for a week and took it to my men's group, and the magic words appeared - AGAIN: live your life beyond the polarity; effect goodwill around you and keep the aura of hope and love.  After so many years steeped in anger and confusion, I have been trying so hard to keep that focus the last two years.  For some reason it started to creep away.  A sleepless night awoke to a new sun and another new feeling: take charge of your life - AGAIN!  So, I did.  There was great hope for new patients; life-coaching clients were smiling; most of all, I was smiling.  The novel of the life continues, and thanks to the Wednesday group for bringing me back to focus.

Gaylord 2/19/10

After a busy week...

Last weekend was spent in Bloomington, IL withtwo marvelous people.  The best part was talking literature and music while sipping single malt.  The things you learn from those that go before you.  The commonalities you may always think are just your experiences or your special problems really are common.  It helps to put life events, participants, and difficulties in perspective.  Just before that weekend, I visited on the phone with my first "mentor" who has specialized in researching abuse and domestic violence.  When discussing the dark side of life that has happened to you with someone who really understands, the spirit is lifted and shame and guilt tend to be less.  In fact, after the two combined visits, there was a realization of how relaxed I became.  You never realize how tense or restricted you live until your not.  You listen better; think more clearly; even breathe easier.  All in all, the less you feel like a victim of life, life begins to awaken again.  A few bad years don't make a lifetime.

Lansing 2/6/10

Writing at my daughter's house...

On a wonderful weekend at my daughter's house, I find myself discovering the true meaning of life as an adult - your children!  You grow up and keep looking for what destiny you may fulfill or what you may become, and yet all along you ARE a parent.  You ARE a key to the future generations, so even as you struggle with your own life and dance between the goods and the bads, your children watch, listen, and learn.  Be mindful of them.  Don't ignore them.  Love them and let them expand, but don't forget the history, the spirit, the soul, the land, or the universe, and don't wait until you think they're old enough.  You have to start as soon as they're born; as they imprint their minds.  If you wait and you let others shape, don't complain.  It's up to you...

Harbor Springs 1/28/10

On a beautiful morning...

There was a fresh snow last night.  A bevy of activity on the wire after the State of the Union address.  Everyone now has opinions, second thoughts, doubts, eternal optimism, and everything in between.  Whatever the case,the snow still fell, and the sun arose chasing away the darkness.  We tend to react and place ourselves on a treadmill making sure the new day keeps us one step ahead of everything and everybody.  Make another dollar; buy another thing; make sure nobody takes advantage of me.  We rush without feeling the snow, and the revitalization of the earth as a new day arrives.  Nature doesn't revolve around me getting to work or someone buying stock on the Street.  The snow will fall if nothing else happened.  The sun will come up if work or the Street didn't exist, and yet we scream all day that someone is right, wrong, slow, fat, skinny, or we're not with the right person, or in the right place.  When you go outside, feel the snow.  Be thankful for the sun and the new day.  Those may be the only real things you come across all day because when everything else is made, bought, spent, or old, they are the only things that will remain.

Gaylord 1/22/10

During lunch...

I listened to the radio this morning coming to work down Powers Road from Harbor Springs through Alanson and on into Indian River.  There was astonishment to what was being discussed.  The evils of socialism and communism and how those institutions of thought are overtaking this country.  "They have been tried in the past and failed." noted one commentator, "So why do we move toward that under our new administration?" bemoans the other.  They never once owned the fact that the free-market inventors never intended for us to be in the predicament we find ourselves.  Perhaps only the wealthy capitalists who parleyed money and power into Newport, Rhode Island mansions could have wished such global forces leading to even more wealthand power, but they're all dead.  As a believer in the free-market, I would challenge the commentators of our so-many-conservative-talk-shows to dig deep into their conscious and discuss capitalism's role in our woes.  People strive to find answers in the midst of turmoil.  Socialism didn't create what we now have.  So unless you delve into the realm of total libertarianism, don't bore me with your machination of politics so you can continue to demand everyone follow whatever path you believe would be perfect for all in this world.  Guess what?  If we did that, you'd be out of a job and in the unemployment lines like everyone is today.

Harbor Springs 1/10/10

At my tying table...

Have you lived a novel?  I wake up; walk outside into the shower of a beautiful sunrise to grab some wood for the wood-stove.  I breathe in the view and saturate my soul with trees, hills, wispy clouds, and cool clear air.  After the stove is stoked, the bird feeders get filled.  The dinner bell sounds for the chickadees, juncos, and woodpeckers.  I stand outside arms outstretched with sunflower seeds resting in my palms.  Birds flock around me taking the seeds.  I feel at peace.

Back inside, I begin tying flies and experimenting with hackle and dubbing.  Bacon is on and the aroma of coffee waifes through my senses.  I now live in a world devoid of anger and abuse along with most material goods we come to know and love from TV and print.  My books, pictures, paintings, drawings, and sports equipment are all I have.  And yet, I have never been more in touch or more at peace.  I am a novel.  It's the ending I just keep working toward.

...experimenting with hackle and dubbing.